Guest Editorial by Lorena Crawbett CEO of the Parasites On America’s Health Care Foundation

Most groups opposing affordable health care just claim to be working on solutions for the numerous problems of America’s criminally dysfunctional system. Not us! The Parasites on America’s Health Care Foundation is always looking for profitable ways to make people complain less.

That is why our member companies are pleased to announce HealthASSetIST™️, a comprehensive financing plan for when you or your loved ones get a lucrative chronic disease like cancer. With HealthASSetIST™️, you simply give power of attorney to us and whenever a medical bill comes due we will sell off enough of your life’s possessions to cover it, for only a very modest commission.

Our business partner Joe Biden’s poorly paid anonymous staffer said it best: health insurance is about peace of mind. No more worrying about how you are going to be able to pay our unconscionable demands! We will pay us for you. You will have peace of mind because you are taking personal personal responsibility for whatever defects gave you your medical condition.

We will sell your house, your car, your clothes, your plasma, whatever it takes! Any money left over will be conveniently put in an interest free escrow account to be used to pay your next bill. We free you from worrying about what to sell so you can just worry about how you live without it. Assuming you live at all, of course.

As an extra bonus, we will preemptively deny all treatment as soon as your balance sheet is completely drained. This exciting new plan will leave you homeless and destitute with a debilitating disease, but at least you won’t go into bankruptcy!

Any gullible moron can see this is a better plan than Medicare for all. You will sleep well at night knowing that you’re not a burden on others, like you would be under Medicare for all. You might even cry yourself to sleep less often.

America has a proud tradition of doing the right thing. Society will thank you for giving all of your assets to us instead of willing them to your undeserving family members, who probably have the same flawed genes that got you in this revenue generating predicament to begin with.

At The Parasites On America’s Health Care Foundation, our member companies don’t have patients. We have customers. And we strive to always treat you that way.

Lorena Crawbett is CEO of the Parasites On America’s Health Care Foundation, a grass roots organization composed of people who genuinely love our terrible health care system, where she oversees the thankless task of convincing people that America is not good enough to be able to have universal health care like every other major country has. She is devoted to making as much money as possible off the suffering of other people and has a pathological fear of hyphens and compound words.

This article was a guest submission by @ParasiteAHCF (not authored by the staff at

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at is at least 90% parody.

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