“The Democratic Primary Debate Qualification Process Is A Sick Joke” by Max Bootlick

It’s time we took a good long hard look at the Democratic Primary Debate qualification process. No, I could not possibly care less about the arbitrary poll selection threshold designed to exclude people like Tulsi Gabbard. And no, I don’t care in the least that there is no clear standard that the poll makers must comply with in order to ensure the appropriate demographics are polled. We live in a Democracy. According to the Citizens United ruling, money equals speech. The real unfairness here is that Tom Steyer has thus far been unable to buy his way into the debates.

You heard me correct. Thanks to an incredibly unfair primary qualification system, Tom Steyer can’t buy his way into the debates. Last I checked, the founding fathers never wrote in the Constitution that billionaires aren’t better people than poor people and shouldn’t be able to do what they want with their money. It’s a clear travesty of justice that Tom Steyer bought millions of dollars of Facebook ads in order to con poor people into giving him money, only to still be excluded from the debates. After all that effort, Tom Steyer successfully managed to meet the individual donor threshold, yet now he’s being held to the absurd standard of having to appeal to regular poor, middle-class, and mildly rich people.

But don’t fret Tom Steyer-ites, I have a message to all the naysayers: underestimate billionaires at your own peril. Tom Steyer’s running a brilliant TV spot to appeal to everyday poor people which could prove a game-changer. It starts with “I started a tiny investment firm…” and proceeds to educate the public that he’s uniquely qualified to fight Trump on the economy. Personally, it touched home for me. Reminding me of my similar upbringing – being raised by a Wall Street lawyer, then going to Yale and Stanford, then starting a tiny investment firm, then working at Morgan Stanley, then working at Goldman Sachs, then selling risky hedge funds and ultimately becoming a billionaire from fossil fuel investments. Normal relatable stuff sure to appeal to the masses. Tom’s one of us, I thought – as I’m sure most did after being relentlessly bombarded with the billionaire’s ads.

If Tom doesn’t end up making it to the debates, all is not lost. I suggest we continue to cast our protest dollars to make a bold statement against the progressives taking over the party. Let’s tell the poors that we’re not caving to guys like Bernie, who want to fix our healthcare system. In the long haul, this is a battle that the poors can never win, so don’t fret that Tom Steyer is ever going to let them sour his day. Steyer continues living the life of a noble billionaire. Most importantly, he’s still proudly investing in private prisons, a hugely popular endeavor with the Kamala Harris “lock em up” wing of the progressive party. Please consider donating to the Tom Steyer GoFundMe campaign when the time arises. I know I will.

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

“The Beto Stand On Something Challenge” by Max Bootlick

Thanks to Beto, and the wave of grassroot billionaire donors propping up his campaign, a great resurgence of support for rhetorical word salad is sweeping the country. Fresh off his loss to Ted Cruz, Democratic Rising Star Robert “Beto” O’Rourke is harnessing this momentum to tap into the “quite pleased to be uninformed, thank you very much” segment of the electorate.

As a former Republican myself, I could not be happier to see the energy of this slew of alleged Democrats supporting Beto, who voted Republican more often than the vast majority of Democrats in Congress. Rather than focus on policies, platforms, or God forbid, progressive issues, Beto has chosen a singular path to success. In lieu of traditional campaigns, where candidates are expected to stand FOR things, Beto has opted for a fresh approach, preferring to stand ON things. His passion has taken hold among millennials and teenagers, who are eager to help spread his message of not having a message. His campaign hopes to build on that cult-like enthusiasm with an innovative viral marketing strategy.

People across the country are being asked to take the “Beto Stand On Something Challenge.” Wherever a small group of people are present, the challenge is for them to capture a video of themselves standing up on something (preferably directly on top of where people eat food, or on a stranger’s car top). They must first draw the crowd’s attention with wild nonsensical arm movements, then evoke literal JFK while boldly stringing together as many empty platitudes as they can muster before security escorts them away.

Said Beto himself recently from atop a pile of apples “This campaign is about America. Where we have not just red apples, but green apples, and not just apples, but bananas, next to potatoes, god damned potatoes, in boxes made of wood, god, damned, boxes, made of…..wood. Literal boxes on top of literal boxes, stacked neatly, only thanks to our great American ingenuity. Fruits, vegetables, Asian people, Black people…all in harmony at this exact moment in time, together, working together, to fulfill my dream. Only with vision, American vision. Only with heart, true heart. Only then. I see my kids over there. Fuck yes.”

The character “Max Bootlick” and this article are both 100% parody.

Create your website with WordPress.com
Get started
%d bloggers like this: