Beto Standing On Things Pays Off – For The Public.

Robert “Beto” O’Rourke has a reputation of brazenly climbing on top of things to deliver his message from the highest perch possible. Reactions to his standing atop the tables where people were often just eating food range from “disgusting,” “arrogant,” “elitist,” to “some privileged white-boy sh*t.” Despite a majority of people finding the habit (as well as his over-confidence and lack of policy) off-putting, many have begun auctioning off items that Beto has stood on.

Beto stood on top of Dave’s minivan in Iowa. Says Dave, “Out of nowhere, this tall and lanky guy climbs on top of my car in the parking lot to give an impromptu speech to 7 or 8 people. All I can recall was a lot of ‘moments in time’ and ‘American ingenuity.’ He said those things a lot. I was pissed, but his kids were there, so I let it go. Which reminds me, the guy was dropping F bombs left and right in front of them. Who does that? Not someone I’d elect President, that’s for sure. Anyway, he ended up caving in the roof of my minivan and I was looking at $400 in repairs. Turns out there are 1000 or so idiots that worship the dude, so I put my minivan up for sale as something Beto stood on, and boom…I not only recouped the damages, but made an extra $300 bucks. I’ll never vote for him, but he can stand on my new minivan anytime.”

Patty in Michigan answered her doorbell and was surprised to be greeted by Beto himself, going door to door in her neighborhood. “I barely recognized the guy because I don’t watch TV for my news. Those shows are just there to prop up corporate candidates. Anyway, the guy’s super tall…he towers over me…which made it even odder when he stormed into my house and climbed on top of my coffee table and began waving his arms around like a lunatic, ranting about time or something. He started calling out objects in the room by name, like ‘this oriental rug’ while pointing at it ‘is due to America,’ stuff like that. One object after another. He called my cat a ‘great ingenious American cat.’ I’m astounded that this guy’s even running. Anyway, I sold my coffee table, with his muddy footprints still on it, to some lady in his cult, who was following the camera circus around, for $50 more than I paid for it. Don’t answer the door for strangers, is the lesson.”

Debbie in New Hampshire ran into Beto at a sandwich shop. According to Debbie, “This guy comes in with a camera crew and 30 or so reporters, doesn’t even introduce himself, and climbs up onto my table, stepping on my tuna sandwich. The mother fu**er even included my sandwich in his speech, something about ‘at this moment in time, atop this American sandwich, made from American ingenuity….yadda yadda.’ Seriously, what the f**k did I just hear? And who the f** would vote for this moron? I’m a Democrat, not falling for the guy who votes Republican, takes loads of oil money and lost to Ted fu**ing Cruz, thanks. But I knew he has a crazy fan base of old ladies and teenagers fawning over his calves, so I put it on Ebay and sold my sandwich a week later, already moldy, for $27. Donated that sh*t to Bernie.”

It’s too soon to predict how well Beto will due in the primaries, but it’s clear that he’s enjoying the process. Said Beto, “I was born for this s**t. Beats the f**k out of a real job.”

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at is at least 90% parody.

Kirsten Gillibrand Releases Flexible “Whatever Bernie Said” Platform.

In an innovative first, Kirsten Gillibrand announces that her platform will literally mirror Bernie’s. Accordingly, she also pledges to say all the things Bernie supporters want to hear. Said Gillibrand, “They don’t call me Kirsten Build-A-Brand for nothing.” Few people doubt Buildabrand’s resolve to embrace and incorporate the new rhetoric – after all, she once hailed herself as the most conservative person in her state’s legislature. Being known as a “Shape-shifter” throughout her career has served her well.

After inheriting her seat in New York, Buildabrand rapidly morphed from a Blue Dog Democrat into Hillary, thanks to the tutelage of Chuck Schumer and Hillary herself. Nearly overnight, Buildabrand went from opposing gay marriage to supporting it. From supporting the Bush tax cuts to admonishing them. From wanting to expand government surveillance to curtailing their power. From seeking to deputize a deportation force for “illegals” to being a staunch ally to “undocumented workers.”

If there’s one thing that I learned from Hillary, it’s that talk is cheap. So why not say the right things? Not sure if you’ve seen my fundraising numbers, but cheap fits my budget perfectly, and I can’t afford anyone disagreeing with me. Initially, I considered just supporting whatever polls best, but then I realized that was a bit too risky, considering most of Bernie’s platform wasn’t popular until he started promoting it. I don’t want to take any chance of being on the wrong side here, so I’m for Bernie’s platform, period. It’s so refreshing to finally have people agree with me everywhere I go. People love Bernie’s platform and I love saying I support it. Win. Win.

Buildabrand 4-18-19

Only time will tell if Buildabrand will stay true to her pledge to parrot Bernie, but to date, she’s remained consistent. When asked about her position on Free College, Kirsten responded, “I have to agree with Bernie.” Questioned about her thoughts on the Green New Deal, she enthusiastically offered, “100% what Bernie said. Nothing less will do.” Asked if she supports Medicare For All, “Sure, why not?” Asked how she proposes to pay for it, she replied “Why are you asking me? Ask Bernie. We’re in complete agreement.”

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at is at least 90% parody.

Julian Assange To Face Charges For Journalism, A Hate Crime.

Today is a glorious day in the battle for freedom from freedom of the press. For much too long, journalism has been seen by society as a helpful tool to provide needed checks and balances on government overreach and corruption. No more. Today, the oligarchy fought back and regained control of a press run amok, drunk off the liberty of free speech.

Rational people all agree that WikiLeaks’ journalism was beyond reproach when they were exposing Republican war crimes. Nonetheless, when Julian Assange exposed the inner workings of the Democratic Party, specifically that Hillary’s campaign colluded with the press, it became clear that it was now necessary to censor him, and all whistle-blowers. America simply cannot maintain order in society without an ignorant populace.

Hillary’s damn emails, along with her campaign manager John Podesta’s as well as the DNC’s, proved that the Democratic Party and her campaign worked hand-in-hand with the media. Two words: so what? Exposing that our media isn’t doing their job is un-American enough, but proving that they’re actually colluding with the Democratic Party is downright despicable. I’ll trust our press to inform me if and when they’re colluding with the Democrats. I don’t need independent journalists with a perfect track record of document authenticity swaying my opinion.

Chapter 7 “Why You Shouldn’t Read WikiLeaks” in An Inconvenient Douche.

Much of what WikiLeaks has informed the public about has been detrimental to the Democratic Party Democracy. The illusion of the United States having two parties with opposing views on corporate control is critical to maintaining the status quo. Despite mainstream thinking that the status quo is bad for society, there is elegance in the comfort it provides. Our society is much more peaceful when it knows single-payer is never gonna happen, or that irreversible climate change is inevitable.

Arguably, the most unreported revelation from WikiLeaks was that Obama let Wall Street, specifically a Citigroup executive, pick his cabinet. That same cabinet would later advise him not to prosecute anyone at Citigroup when the housing market crashed.

Chapter 7 “Why You Shouldn’t Read WikiLeaks” in An Inconvenient Douche.

Hopefully, you have never read WikiLeaks, or at least stopped reading when they began exposing Democrats. I can imagine no bigger hate crime than exposing the Democrats’ plan to ensure the Republican candidate was a dangerous radical like Trump. It is an undeniable fact that WikiLeaks helped rigged the election by exposing that the Democrats were rigging the election.

By far the most damning revelation from WikiLeaks was the Clinton campaign’s “Pied Piper” Strategy. The Pied Piper plan was to collude with the media, getting them to elevate a radical far-right candidate, hoping they would be easier for Hillary to defeat. That first part worked brilliantly. The second – not so much. Their strategy was well documented in a memo written to the DNC. “The Pied Piper candidates include, but aren’t limited to: Ted Cruz, Donald Trump and Ben Carson. We need to be elevating the Pied Piper candidates so that they are leaders of the pack and tell the press to [take] them seriously.

Chapter 7 “Why You Shouldn’t Read WikiLeaks” in An Inconvenient Douche.

It’s unfortunate that North Korea has had to take the lead on this issue, but rest assured patriots, the US is quickly making up ground. Freedom of the press has been a disaster. North Korea gets it.

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at is at least 90% parody.

Bowling With Beto

A one-on-one sit down interview Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, who preferred to stand.

Interviewer: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to grant me a few minutes of your time.

Beto: I’ve been thinking about this Mr. Hand. If I’m here and you’re here, doesn’t that make it our time? Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.

Interviewer: You’re quoting Fast Times at Ridgemont High now?

Beto: Busted. Okay okay, let’s start. America. This bowling alley is a symbol of all that unites us. The wood on the floor. American wood. This ball-return. American ingenuity. This small table I’m standing on, is a table where American people eat American hot dogs, or American hamburgers, or American Pizza, or even American Tacos. At this moment in time…

Interviewer: [Snaps fingers]. Beto! Beto! [Snaps fingers again]. Here boy!!

Beto: Whoa thanks man. It’s gnarly on the road. Sometimes I just get lost in my head. The words just come to me and I don’t even have the ability to stop. I literally can’t even stop the words. So good. Or my arms. It’s inspiring. At this exact moment in time, this very American moment in…

Interviewer: Beto!!! Beto!!! [Beto stops and stares] Get off the damned table and sit down for a second. [steps down and takes a seat]

Beto: Fuck, did I do it again? I’m really good. The words flow through me like a gift from somewhere, someplace way up above the sky. Usually I don’t even know what I say, or what it means, but god damned. Powerful.

Interviewer: Thank you. First Question. You’ve recently said you support “Medicare For America,” not “Medicare For All.” Can you explain the distinction and why you’re not supporting Medicare For All?

Beto: Great questions. Fair questions.

Interviewer: And?

Beto: Sorry, I was waiting to channel the answer. [closes eyes for 10 seconds]. Ok, got it. [Climbs atop the ball-return machine]. America. [points at me]. America is the greatest country in the history of all the great countries. But the America at this precise moment in time isn’t living up to the full potential of an America where people love their insurance and healthcare. Medicare For America is how we get there.

Interviewer: What does that even mean?

Beto: [His family walks up behind me]. My wife and kids are here! Fuck yes! A great man. Probably the greatest, once said “Let us not ask what we can do.” Those words are my fuel. I’m doing this for not just America, but for my wife and kids, so they can have an America where anyone’s dad or husband can be President. More precisely, where that fucking kid’s dad is the actual President. Fuck yes. The greatest country on earth. [hops off ball-return machine, fist bumps me and gets in line to return his bowling shoes].

Disclaimer: In case you’re not so bright, this (and all content at DoucheLeaks) is parody.

Biden Pledges 80% Less Hair Huffing

Acknowledging that the optics are less than optimal, Joe Biden confronts the issue of his unwanted gropings head on. Said a top staffer “Joe truly understands that times have changed and the retail politics style he’s widely known for, primarily rubbing backs and noses with women, no longer fits today’s culture. As such, we’ve adopted Joe a long-haired dog named Rosie to fill in as a surrogate, should his urge to huff hair arise.” Said Joe, “My bitch is working out great.” Only time will tell if Biden can survive the 8 or so women who have already come forward, not to mention the roughly 3,532 photos of awkward hair huffings yet to make the news.

Said Biden “I truly get it. Truly. I do. I’ll do it much less even. I can no longer walk up behind a woman I’ve never met, squeeze her hips, gently stroke her neck with my nose, and inhale her hair. And I won’t. Really. I won’t. At least 80% less often. In my era, you didn’t just get to know people, you really got in there and you pressed the flesh until you could recognize them by scent. Times have changed. I. Get it. It’s not 2015 anymore is the point people are making. And I get it. I do. The vast majority of the members of the Democratic Party enjoy gentle nuzzles, especially the kids, but I get it. Millennials may never understand. I get that. And that’s fine.” Asked if losing support with the biggest voting bloc, millennials, could be a problem in 2020, Joe responded “Give me a break. Really? I’m supposed to care about what a gaggle of lazy whiny bastards think? Hog malarky. But I get it.”

Disclaimer: In case you’re not the smartest, this article is parody (as is all content at DoucheLeaks).

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