Bowling With Beto

A one-on-one sit down interview Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, who preferred to stand.

Interviewer: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to grant me a few minutes of your time.

Beto: I’ve been thinking about this Mr. Hand. If I’m here and you’re here, doesn’t that make it our time? Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.

Interviewer: You’re quoting Fast Times at Ridgemont High now?

Beto: Busted. Okay okay, let’s start. America. This bowling alley is a symbol of all that unites us. The wood on the floor. American wood. This ball-return. American ingenuity. This small table I’m standing on, is a table where American people eat American hot dogs, or American hamburgers, or American Pizza, or even American Tacos. At this moment in time…

Interviewer: [Snaps fingers]. Beto! Beto! [Snaps fingers again]. Here boy!!

Beto: Whoa thanks man. It’s gnarly on the road. Sometimes I just get lost in my head. The words just come to me and I don’t even have the ability to stop. I literally can’t even stop the words. So good. Or my arms. It’s inspiring. At this exact moment in time, this very American moment in…

Interviewer: Beto!!! Beto!!! [Beto stops and stares] Get off the damned table and sit down for a second. [steps down and takes a seat]

Beto: Fuck, did I do it again? I’m really good. The words flow through me like a gift from somewhere, someplace way up above the sky. Usually I don’t even know what I say, or what it means, but god damned. Powerful.

Interviewer: Thank you. First Question. You’ve recently said you support “Medicare For America,” not “Medicare For All.” Can you explain the distinction and why you’re not supporting Medicare For All?

Beto: Great questions. Fair questions.

Interviewer: And?

Beto: Sorry, I was waiting to channel the answer. [closes eyes for 10 seconds]. Ok, got it. [Climbs atop the ball-return machine]. America. [points at me]. America is the greatest country in the history of all the great countries. But the America at this precise moment in time isn’t living up to the full potential of an America where people love their insurance and healthcare. Medicare For America is how we get there.

Interviewer: What does that even mean?

Beto: [His family walks up behind me]. My wife and kids are here! Fuck yes! A great man. Probably the greatest, once said “Let us not ask what we can do.” Those words are my fuel. I’m doing this for not just America, but for my wife and kids, so they can have an America where anyone’s dad or husband can be President. More precisely, where that fucking kid’s dad is the actual President. Fuck yes. The greatest country on earth. [hops off ball-return machine, fist bumps me and gets in line to return his bowling shoes].

Disclaimer: In case you’re not so bright, this (and all content at DoucheLeaks) is parody.

Biden Pledges 80% Less Hair Huffing

Acknowledging that the optics are less than optimal, Joe Biden confronts the issue of his unwanted gropings head on. Said a top staffer “Joe truly understands that times have changed and the retail politics style he’s widely known for, primarily rubbing backs and noses with women, no longer fits today’s culture. As such, we’ve adopted Joe a long-haired dog named Rosie to fill in as a surrogate, should his urge to huff hair arise.” Said Joe, “My bitch is working out great.” Only time will tell if Biden can survive the 8 or so women who have already come forward, not to mention the roughly 3,532 photos of awkward hair huffings yet to make the news.

Said Biden “I truly get it. Truly. I do. I’ll do it much less even. I can no longer walk up behind a woman I’ve never met, squeeze her hips, gently stroke her neck with my nose, and inhale her hair. And I won’t. Really. I won’t. At least 80% less often. In my era, you didn’t just get to know people, you really got in there and you pressed the flesh until you could recognize them by scent. Times have changed. I. Get it. It’s not 2015 anymore is the point people are making. And I get it. I do. The vast majority of the members of the Democratic Party enjoy gentle nuzzles, especially the kids, but I get it. Millennials may never understand. I get that. And that’s fine.” Asked if losing support with the biggest voting bloc, millennials, could be a problem in 2020, Joe responded “Give me a break. Really? I’m supposed to care about what a gaggle of lazy whiny bastards think? Hog malarky. But I get it.”

Disclaimer: In case you’re not the smartest, this article is parody (as is all content at DoucheLeaks).

Poll Results – New Poll Below

Last week’s poll results are in and the people have spoken loudly and clearly in support of their candidates. After making a small adjustment due to a minor typo, the clear winner was Andrew Yang. Congratulations YangGang! While I’m not a huge fan, he’s certainly easier for me to stomach than a progressive who could actually win. These results should put to rest any rumors of Bernie Sander’s campaign gaining momentum. Also of note, Pete Buttigieg scored really well this week, showing much more support than Bernie Sanders, who didn’t even register.

In no way have I ignored the complaints from the Bernie fanatics about the small typo in last week’s poll. In fact I’ve decided that to gather a more fair sample of the electorate, I’m making amends to the Bernie Bros this week by prominently displaying Bernie. You’re welcome. Please vote and share widely!*

*as always, please block progressives beforehand.

“Welcome to DoucheLeaks” by Peter Douche

It is my great honor to announce that DoucheLeaks, media platform for the 65 million StillWithering has officially “soft” launched. My wife of color and I co-founded this site with the intention of applying the lessons we learned from the mistakes of 2016, primarily that to counter propaganda, we must create our own.

Our distinguished journalists currently include Peter Douche, Russia Maddow, Kurt Eivgonebald, Markos Makesitso (polling), and Max Bootlick. Over the next few weeks, DoucheLeaks will expand it’s departments to include a fact-checking department, frequent news content, a fake-news warning system, a 2020 candidate section, a guest contributor section, a Russian dank meme vault, and many more innovative elements.

I ask that you reserve your judgment on the full potential of the site for the end of the month. By the Summer, we will be integrating high production quality short videos with voice over talent. Please be patient while my staff of unpaid interns becomes more proficient in web design. Over the next week expect a visual boost to the site as well, as the graphic design elements become upgraded and more professional branding is introduced.

I look forward to taking this journey together with you! Only through unity will we stop progressives from fixing our broken healthcare system. We can do this!

God Bless Hillary,

Peter Douche

The character “Peter Douche” and this article are both 100% parody.

“The Beto Stand On Something Challenge” by Max Bootlick

Thanks to Beto, and the wave of grassroot billionaire donors propping up his campaign, a great resurgence of support for rhetorical word salad is sweeping the country. Fresh off his loss to Ted Cruz, Democratic Rising Star Robert “Beto” O’Rourke is harnessing this momentum to tap into the “quite pleased to be uninformed, thank you very much” segment of the electorate.

As a former Republican myself, I could not be happier to see the energy of this slew of alleged Democrats supporting Beto, who voted Republican more often than the vast majority of Democrats in Congress. Rather than focus on policies, platforms, or God forbid, progressive issues, Beto has chosen a singular path to success. In lieu of traditional campaigns, where candidates are expected to stand FOR things, Beto has opted for a fresh approach, preferring to stand ON things. His passion has taken hold among millennials and teenagers, who are eager to help spread his message of not having a message. His campaign hopes to build on that cult-like enthusiasm with an innovative viral marketing strategy.

People across the country are being asked to take the “Beto Stand On Something Challenge.” Wherever a small group of people are present, the challenge is for them to capture a video of themselves standing up on something (preferably directly on top of where people eat food, or on a stranger’s car top). They must first draw the crowd’s attention with wild nonsensical arm movements, then evoke literal JFK while boldly stringing together as many empty platitudes as they can muster before security escorts them away.

Said Beto himself recently from atop a pile of apples “This campaign is about America. Where we have not just red apples, but green apples, and not just apples, but bananas, next to potatoes, god damned potatoes, in boxes made of wood, god, damned, boxes, made of…..wood. Literal boxes on top of literal boxes, stacked neatly, only thanks to our great American ingenuity. Fruits, vegetables, Asian people, Black people…all in harmony at this exact moment in time, together, working together, to fulfill my dream. Only with vision, American vision. Only with heart, true heart. Only then. I see my kids over there. Fuck yes.”

The character “Max Bootlick” and this article are both 100% parody.

2020 Democratic Nominee Poll by Markos Makesitso

Welcome to the first of many polls I’ll be putting out on a weekly basis. As a reminder, polling this early in the election season is always to be taken with a grain of salt, as even the most well intentioned poll can only capture a snapshot in time, and rarely factors in election fraud. My request to you is that you share these polls far and wide on social media so that we get an accurate sample of the full electorate. My one caveat, which should be obvious by now, is that I ask you to please ensure you’ve blocked all known progressives and Bernie Sanders supporters before sharing the poll. Check back each week for an analysis on the prior week’s polling results and to participate in a new poll.

The character “Markos Makesitso” and this article are both 100% parody.

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