8-27 Democratic Primary Poll

We’re going to try something different this week and give ranked choice voting a shot. Pick your favorite three candidates and let’s see how well they stack up next week! Good luck to your candidate! As always please share far and wide, but hide from progressives as much as possible! Let’s hope for a healthy corporate-friendly result so we can make it back onto the TV circuit. Keep an open mind – this primary is wide open! Warren 2020!

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

“The Democratic Primary Debate Qualification Process Is A Sick Joke” by Max Bootlick

It’s time we took a good long hard look at the Democratic Primary Debate qualification process. No, I could not possibly care less about the arbitrary poll selection threshold designed to exclude people like Tulsi Gabbard. And no, I don’t care in the least that there is no clear standard that the poll makers must comply with in order to ensure the appropriate demographics are polled. We live in a Democracy. According to the Citizens United ruling, money equals speech. The real unfairness here is that Tom Steyer has thus far been unable to buy his way into the debates.

You heard me correct. Thanks to an incredibly unfair primary qualification system, Tom Steyer can’t buy his way into the debates. Last I checked, the founding fathers never wrote in the Constitution that billionaires aren’t better people than poor people and shouldn’t be able to do what they want with their money. It’s a clear travesty of justice that Tom Steyer bought millions of dollars of Facebook ads in order to con poor people into giving him money, only to still be excluded from the debates. After all that effort, Tom Steyer successfully managed to meet the individual donor threshold, yet now he’s being held to the absurd standard of having to appeal to regular poor, middle-class, and mildly rich people.

But don’t fret Tom Steyer-ites, I have a message to all the naysayers: underestimate billionaires at your own peril. Tom Steyer’s running a brilliant TV spot to appeal to everyday poor people which could prove a game-changer. It starts with “I started a tiny investment firm…” and proceeds to educate the public that he’s uniquely qualified to fight Trump on the economy. Personally, it touched home for me. Reminding me of my similar upbringing – being raised by a Wall Street lawyer, then going to Yale and Stanford, then starting a tiny investment firm, then working at Morgan Stanley, then working at Goldman Sachs, then selling risky hedge funds and ultimately becoming a billionaire from fossil fuel investments. Normal relatable stuff sure to appeal to the masses. Tom’s one of us, I thought – as I’m sure most did after being relentlessly bombarded with the billionaire’s ads.

If Tom doesn’t end up making it to the debates, all is not lost. I suggest we continue to cast our protest dollars to make a bold statement against the progressives taking over the party. Let’s tell the poors that we’re not caving to guys like Bernie, who want to fix our healthcare system. In the long haul, this is a battle that the poors can never win, so don’t fret that Tom Steyer is ever going to let them sour his day. Steyer continues living the life of a noble billionaire. Most importantly, he’s still proudly investing in private prisons, a hugely popular endeavor with the Kamala Harris “lock em up” wing of the progressive party. Please consider donating to the Tom Steyer GoFundMe campaign when the time arises. I know I will.

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

Guest Editorial by Lorena Crawbett CEO of the Parasites On America’s Health Care Foundation

Most groups opposing affordable health care just claim to be working on solutions for the numerous problems of America’s criminally dysfunctional system. Not us! The Parasites on America’s Health Care Foundation is always looking for profitable ways to make people complain less.

That is why our member companies are pleased to announce HealthASSetIST™️, a comprehensive financing plan for when you or your loved ones get a lucrative chronic disease like cancer. With HealthASSetIST™️, you simply give power of attorney to us and whenever a medical bill comes due we will sell off enough of your life’s possessions to cover it, for only a very modest commission.

Our business partner Joe Biden’s poorly paid anonymous staffer said it best: health insurance is about peace of mind. No more worrying about how you are going to be able to pay our unconscionable demands! We will pay us for you. You will have peace of mind because you are taking personal personal responsibility for whatever defects gave you your medical condition.

We will sell your house, your car, your clothes, your plasma, whatever it takes! Any money left over will be conveniently put in an interest free escrow account to be used to pay your next bill. We free you from worrying about what to sell so you can just worry about how you live without it. Assuming you live at all, of course.

As an extra bonus, we will preemptively deny all treatment as soon as your balance sheet is completely drained. This exciting new plan will leave you homeless and destitute with a debilitating disease, but at least you won’t go into bankruptcy!

Any gullible moron can see this is a better plan than Medicare for all. You will sleep well at night knowing that you’re not a burden on others, like you would be under Medicare for all. You might even cry yourself to sleep less often.

America has a proud tradition of doing the right thing. Society will thank you for giving all of your assets to us instead of willing them to your undeserving family members, who probably have the same flawed genes that got you in this revenue generating predicament to begin with.

At The Parasites On America’s Health Care Foundation, our member companies don’t have patients. We have customers. And we strive to always treat you that way.

Lorena Crawbett is CEO of the Parasites On America’s Health Care Foundation, a grass roots organization composed of people who genuinely love our terrible health care system, where she oversees the thankless task of convincing people that America is not good enough to be able to have universal health care like every other major country has. She is devoted to making as much money as possible off the suffering of other people and has a pathological fear of hyphens and compound words.

This article was a guest submission by @ParasiteAHCF (not authored by the staff at DoucheLeaks.com)

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

4-21 Democratic Presidential Preference Poll

Last week’s poll results truly blew me away. The resurgence of Elizabeth Warren with a commanding 0.89% of the vote was quite an unexpected delight – sure to please the “Stop Bernie” crowd. If you doubt the results, don’t take my word for it, take a look for yourself. As my English teacher used to say, “math don’t lie.” Be sure to vote in the new poll below!

This week I thought I’d try something different in order to factor out name recognition bias. I replaced the candidates’ formal names with their common names, which are likely much more well known to the general public. Please vote below and share far and wide (among real Democrats only, of course). Voting closes Wednesday at noon PST.

DoucheLeaks

Mueller Report – Redacted Documents

DoucheLeaks was able to obtain several pages of the unredacted Mueller Report, which we will carefully release one by one. These documents were leaked to our office from Mitt Romney sources we pledge to never disclose. My unpaid intern staff is diligently screening the documents, which will be published individually as soon as they are verified as legitimate. I remind you that, to date, DoucheLeaks has a 100% perfect record of document authenticity. I present to you our first document to date.

MORE TO COME…..

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

Beto Standing On Things Pays Off – For The Public.

Robert “Beto” O’Rourke has a reputation of brazenly climbing on top of things to deliver his message from the highest perch possible. Reactions to his standing atop the tables where people were often just eating food range from “disgusting,” “arrogant,” “elitist,” to “some privileged white-boy sh*t.” Despite a majority of people finding the habit (as well as his over-confidence and lack of policy) off-putting, many have begun auctioning off items that Beto has stood on.

Beto stood on top of Dave’s minivan in Iowa. Says Dave, “Out of nowhere, this tall and lanky guy climbs on top of my car in the parking lot to give an impromptu speech to 7 or 8 people. All I can recall was a lot of ‘moments in time’ and ‘American ingenuity.’ He said those things a lot. I was pissed, but his kids were there, so I let it go. Which reminds me, the guy was dropping F bombs left and right in front of them. Who does that? Not someone I’d elect President, that’s for sure. Anyway, he ended up caving in the roof of my minivan and I was looking at $400 in repairs. Turns out there are 1000 or so idiots that worship the dude, so I put my minivan up for sale as something Beto stood on, and boom…I not only recouped the damages, but made an extra $300 bucks. I’ll never vote for him, but he can stand on my new minivan anytime.”

Patty in Michigan answered her doorbell and was surprised to be greeted by Beto himself, going door to door in her neighborhood. “I barely recognized the guy because I don’t watch TV for my news. Those shows are just there to prop up corporate candidates. Anyway, the guy’s super tall…he towers over me…which made it even odder when he stormed into my house and climbed on top of my coffee table and began waving his arms around like a lunatic, ranting about time or something. He started calling out objects in the room by name, like ‘this oriental rug’ while pointing at it ‘is due to America,’ stuff like that. One object after another. He called my cat a ‘great ingenious American cat.’ I’m astounded that this guy’s even running. Anyway, I sold my coffee table, with his muddy footprints still on it, to some lady in his cult, who was following the camera circus around, for $50 more than I paid for it. Don’t answer the door for strangers, is the lesson.”

Debbie in New Hampshire ran into Beto at a sandwich shop. According to Debbie, “This guy comes in with a camera crew and 30 or so reporters, doesn’t even introduce himself, and climbs up onto my table, stepping on my tuna sandwich. The mother fu**er even included my sandwich in his speech, something about ‘at this moment in time, atop this American sandwich, made from American ingenuity….yadda yadda.’ Seriously, what the f**k did I just hear? And who the f** would vote for this moron? I’m a Democrat, not falling for the guy who votes Republican, takes loads of oil money and lost to Ted fu**ing Cruz, thanks. But I knew he has a crazy fan base of old ladies and teenagers fawning over his calves, so I put it on Ebay and sold my sandwich a week later, already moldy, for $27. Donated that sh*t to Bernie.”

It’s too soon to predict how well Beto will due in the primaries, but it’s clear that he’s enjoying the process. Said Beto, “I was born for this s**t. Beats the f**k out of a real job.”

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

Kirsten Gillibrand Releases Flexible “Whatever Bernie Said” Platform.

In an innovative first, Kirsten Gillibrand announces that her platform will literally mirror Bernie’s. Accordingly, she also pledges to say all the things Bernie supporters want to hear. Said Gillibrand, “They don’t call me Kirsten Build-A-Brand for nothing.” Few people doubt Buildabrand’s resolve to embrace and incorporate the new rhetoric – after all, she once hailed herself as the most conservative person in her state’s legislature. Being known as a “Shape-shifter” throughout her career has served her well.

After inheriting her seat in New York, Buildabrand rapidly morphed from a Blue Dog Democrat into Hillary, thanks to the tutelage of Chuck Schumer and Hillary herself. Nearly overnight, Buildabrand went from opposing gay marriage to supporting it. From supporting the Bush tax cuts to admonishing them. From wanting to expand government surveillance to curtailing their power. From seeking to deputize a deportation force for “illegals” to being a staunch ally to “undocumented workers.”

If there’s one thing that I learned from Hillary, it’s that talk is cheap. So why not say the right things? Not sure if you’ve seen my fundraising numbers, but cheap fits my budget perfectly, and I can’t afford anyone disagreeing with me. Initially, I considered just supporting whatever polls best, but then I realized that was a bit too risky, considering most of Bernie’s platform wasn’t popular until he started promoting it. I don’t want to take any chance of being on the wrong side here, so I’m for Bernie’s platform, period. It’s so refreshing to finally have people agree with me everywhere I go. People love Bernie’s platform and I love saying I support it. Win. Win.

Buildabrand 4-18-19

Only time will tell if Buildabrand will stay true to her pledge to parrot Bernie, but to date, she’s remained consistent. When asked about her position on Free College, Kirsten responded, “I have to agree with Bernie.” Questioned about her thoughts on the Green New Deal, she enthusiastically offered, “100% what Bernie said. Nothing less will do.” Asked if she supports Medicare For All, “Sure, why not?” Asked how she proposes to pay for it, she replied “Why are you asking me? Ask Bernie. We’re in complete agreement.”

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

New 4/19 Poll and Prior Poll Results

Last week’s poll revealed some intriguing results. It has become increasingly apparent that people don’t know which Bernie Sanders is running in 2020. This doesn’t bode well for his messaging team! For the second straight week, once you eliminate Bernie Sanders, because he’s not a Democrat, Andrew Yang becomes the surging internet favorite with a huge 1.14% of the vote. But don’t get complacent Yang Gang, because the front-runner Kamala Harris is hot on his tail with an impressive 0.23% of the vote!

Don’t forget to vote in this week’s poll below. At DoucheLeaks, we’re always refining and tweaking our polls, hoping to get the most unbiased results an internet poll can capture. This week, we’re trying something a little different and encouraging everyone to spread this poll, even to the rabid Bernie Sanders supporters. Poll closes Sunday at noon PST!

Fact Check : Did Pete Buttigieg Attend a “Stop Sanders Movement” Meeting Held by Corporate Donors, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer?

Clarifying misleading articles and countering fake news will be critical to ensuring a radical centrist candidate heads the Democratic ticket in 2020. Starting today, DoucheLeaks is launching a Fact-Checking department dedicated to countering unwelcome narratives about the candidates. For our first fact-checking, we review the 4/16/19 New York Times article linked below. According to the article:

The matter of What To Do About Bernie and the larger imperative of party unity has, for example, hovered over a series of previously undisclosed Democratic dinners in New York and Washington organized by the longtime party financier Bernard Schwartz. The gatherings have included scores from the moderate or center-left wing of the party, including Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California; Senator Chuck Schumer of New York, the minority leader; former Gov. Terry McAuliffe of Virginia; Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend, Ind., himself a presidential candidate; and the president of the Center for American Progress, Neera Tanden.

So did Pete Buttigieg, Nancey Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Neera Tanden actually meet to strategize about defeating Bernie? Let’s dive in and fact-check this claim in order to make a fair assessment. From the NYT article:

How, some Democrats are beginning to ask, do they thwart a 70-something candidate from outside the party structure who is immune to intimidation or incentive and wields support from an unwavering base…

The quote above from the article contains the first obvious error. “ARE BEGINNING?” Anyone following politics, knows that Democrats have been asking this since 2105. Next:

There’s a growing realization that Sanders could end up winning this thing, or certainly that he stays in so long that he damages the actual winner,” said David Brock, the liberal organizer, who said he has had discussions with other operatives about an anti-Sanders campaign and believes it should commence “sooner rather than later.”

Again, the anti-Sanders campaign began in 2015. Terrible reporting. Moving on:

R. T. Rybak, the former Minneapolis mayor who was vice chairman of the Democratic National Committee in 2016, complained bitterly about the party’s tilt toward Mrs. Clinton back then, and warned that it would backfire if his fellow mainstream Democrats “start with the idea that you’re trying to stop somebody.”

Rybak clearly missed the mark when he warned in 2016 about the damage it would do to the party if it engaged in trying to “stop somebody,” considering Hillary became the Popular Vote President. Why should anyone believe him now? Next:

On Saturday his campaign sent a blistering letter to the Center for American Progress, a Clinton-aligned liberal think tank, accusing them of abetting Mr. Trump’s attacks, of playing a “destructive” role in Democratic politics, and of being beholden to “the corporate money” they receive. 

Finally, this is the smoking gun that proves this article is nonsense. Calling the Center for American Progress a “Clinton-aligned liberal think tank” could not be more wrong. Clearly they’re now a Buttigieg-aligned liberal think tank.

CONCLUSION: Given these errors, I rate the claim that Buttigieg attended a “Stop Sanders Movement” meeting with party insiders and corporate donors as false, giving it 3 1/2 Douche bags.

As such, I encourage you not to read the article below.

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

Julian Assange To Face Charges For Journalism, A Hate Crime.

Today is a glorious day in the battle for freedom from freedom of the press. For much too long, journalism has been seen by society as a helpful tool to provide needed checks and balances on government overreach and corruption. No more. Today, the oligarchy fought back and regained control of a press run amok, drunk off the liberty of free speech.

Rational people all agree that WikiLeaks’ journalism was beyond reproach when they were exposing Republican war crimes. Nonetheless, when Julian Assange exposed the inner workings of the Democratic Party, specifically that Hillary’s campaign colluded with the press, it became clear that it was now necessary to censor him, and all whistle-blowers. America simply cannot maintain order in society without an ignorant populace.

Hillary’s damn emails, along with her campaign manager John Podesta’s as well as the DNC’s, proved that the Democratic Party and her campaign worked hand-in-hand with the media. Two words: so what? Exposing that our media isn’t doing their job is un-American enough, but proving that they’re actually colluding with the Democratic Party is downright despicable. I’ll trust our press to inform me if and when they’re colluding with the Democrats. I don’t need independent journalists with a perfect track record of document authenticity swaying my opinion.

Chapter 7 “Why You Shouldn’t Read WikiLeaks” in An Inconvenient Douche.

Much of what WikiLeaks has informed the public about has been detrimental to the Democratic Party Democracy. The illusion of the United States having two parties with opposing views on corporate control is critical to maintaining the status quo. Despite mainstream thinking that the status quo is bad for society, there is elegance in the comfort it provides. Our society is much more peaceful when it knows single-payer is never gonna happen, or that irreversible climate change is inevitable.

Arguably, the most unreported revelation from WikiLeaks was that Obama let Wall Street, specifically a Citigroup executive, pick his cabinet. That same cabinet would later advise him not to prosecute anyone at Citigroup when the housing market crashed.

Chapter 7 “Why You Shouldn’t Read WikiLeaks” in An Inconvenient Douche.

Hopefully, you have never read WikiLeaks, or at least stopped reading when they began exposing Democrats. I can imagine no bigger hate crime than exposing the Democrats’ plan to ensure the Republican candidate was a dangerous radical like Trump. It is an undeniable fact that WikiLeaks helped rigged the election by exposing that the Democrats were rigging the election.

By far the most damning revelation from WikiLeaks was the Clinton campaign’s “Pied Piper” Strategy. The Pied Piper plan was to collude with the media, getting them to elevate a radical far-right candidate, hoping they would be easier for Hillary to defeat. That first part worked brilliantly. The second – not so much. Their strategy was well documented in a memo written to the DNC. “The Pied Piper candidates include, but aren’t limited to: Ted Cruz, Donald Trump and Ben Carson. We need to be elevating the Pied Piper candidates so that they are leaders of the pack and tell the press to [take] them seriously.

Chapter 7 “Why You Shouldn’t Read WikiLeaks” in An Inconvenient Douche.

It’s unfortunate that North Korea has had to take the lead on this issue, but rest assured patriots, the US is quickly making up ground. Freedom of the press has been a disaster. North Korea gets it.

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

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